If I ever find my heart darling, I promise to come home again.
I really have everything going for me. It sounds weird given how much I complain about things but I really do. I really do have great friends, a great job, a few wonderful family members and a man that would do anything for me. I have some really amazing people in my life. Christmas is coming up and I couldn’t be more excited. I seriously have everything to look forward to. 2011 is a new year for me and I’m going to start it off right. Even though I literally can’t leave my house due to the snow and city being in a “State of Emergency”.. I’m overwhelmingly happy. I feel unbreakable now.
I’m going to go back to my cranberry tea, watercolour and curious kitty.
A lot of the time my mind races and I find myself in a blurr. I sit and think, re-think and over-think the smallest and most trivial things in my life. Truth is, I’m making myself crazy. I’m literally pushing myself towards death. After spending much needed time reading through my many magazines, I found an article in Flare about forgiveness. It’s such a weird thing to me because I hold extreme grudges. I never really noticed how much these grudges have affected my life but they have in such horrible ways. I find myself trying to forget and push those feelings of hurt deep down to the point where it’s all unnatural and I break easily. I’m so bitter and uneasy these days that I can barely deal with myself let alone other people. I’ve never really tried forgiving someone before.. I usually just cut them out of my life. I’ve let some terrible people into my life, only to get hurt and lose a part of me upon just shutting the door. I think the only thing that will allow me to pick up and move on, from many things, will be to forgive. I know this won’t happen over night and truth is I don’t know how long it will take me to reach the point of true forgiveness. I need to stop playing the victim though. I need to be able to really, truly take things with a grain of salt and be able to truly move on.
I often find myself thinking back to the past and victimizing myself. I become really angry and upset. I also think back to times where I’ve been horrible to others and become angry and upset with myself. It’s all become a process of self-loathing. I need to find a way to forgive others for things they’ve done that have hurt me, but I also need to forgive myself. It’s the only way I see myself being able to move on with my life and finding real true happiness in myself, and my surroundings. Some may be easier to forgive than others but I know these things take time.
I need to be able to really heal and it’s the only way I can feel complete. Forgiving those who’ve hurt me and taking that piece back with me. It’s almost like a write-off. I’m not saying I’ll become friends with them anymore but I need to feel whole again. I need to stop playing victim. I need to stop searching into my past for meaning of the present. I’m who I am today for various reasons. I am the way that I am due to the positive and some negative things that have happened to me.
For some reason I get overwhelmed and think my life is coming to an end. I look at situations as if I’m forty years old. I need to slow down and take some baby steps. I’m at the age where I need to find myself. I need to focus on my happiness and my needs. I’m slowly starting to realize what it is that I need to do to find my own happiness.
So much has gone on in the past week. I wish I had enough time or will to just sit down and write for hours. I wish I had a friend to confide in rather than a blog. I wish I had any sort of trust or hope for humanity left in me.
Mornings with you.